My day in City Academy by Tahmenah
Can I tell you
all about my day in City
Academy
So First, we
went in a hall which was a sports hall. And we’ve did P.E in there but it was
really easy to be honest. So we did lots of stuff like handball toss and stomp
long jump. And we did those stuff because we want to be fit. So when we did
some we had a break.
So After, P.E we
had a short break and a guy came and he was a special footballer. Everyone got
his autograph and the P.E lesson was over.
After that, we
did science and we had to see a lamb heart and I said “YUCK” but it was
disgusting. We had to wear goggles and gloves we wore them because it needs to
protect our eyes and to keep our hands clean. Then we used a scalpel to cut the
heart and it is used for cutting.
Did you know
there facilities are so wow because they have good laptops and brilliant iPods.
And they have a massive hall and something they have we don’t have.
Then, it was the
end of the day and I really enjoyed the whole day because it was so fun and I
really look forward going back.
I liked the part when you said 'Did you know there are facilities are so wow because they have good laptops and brilliant iPods' I liked that a lot since when you said 'the facilities are so wow' I just LOVED the way you said wow since it's a different word than 'love' or those boring words. However one thing you could improve are your connectives. You should try using some more interesting connectives like instead of using 'and' you could use 'In Addition'
ReplyDeleteTahmenah, I really like your introduction. It sounds like you're talking to a friend which was exactly what we talked about in literacy. Furthermore, I enjoyed the detail of the science lesson you included. Explaining what a scalpel is was a good idea as not everyone reading your recount might know what a scalpel is.
ReplyDeleteHere's something to think about: do you need the word 'so' at the start of your second and third paragraphs? Could you start with just the time connective?
Mahira - your comment above is very useful because it tells Tahmenah about something she did well and something she could change to improve her next recount. Well done.
i loved my adveture to city academy it is so wonderful
Delete